and what they mean...
By MICHELLE A. HARDWICK
In writing the book Menopause Wingman, I questioned men from different countries who had been through (or were living through) their partner's Menopause.
These statements came up a lot:
1. "I just don't know what she wants."
What it really means: "I'm trying to read signals I've never had to read before and I'm getting it wrong every time."
During Menopause, a woman's needs can shift rapidly and sometimes unpredictably. What comforted her last 10 minutes ago may irritate her now. This isn't inconsistency for its own sake. It's the reality of hormones in extreme flux. The honest answer: she may not always know herself. The best a partner can do is stay curious rather than frustrated. Ask. Then ask again later (or try tomorrow).
These statements came up a lot:
1. "I just don't know what she wants."
What it really means: "I'm trying to read signals I've never had to read before and I'm getting it wrong every time."
During Menopause, a woman's needs can shift rapidly and sometimes unpredictably. What comforted her last 10 minutes ago may irritate her now. This isn't inconsistency for its own sake. It's the reality of hormones in extreme flux. The honest answer: she may not always know herself. The best a partner can do is stay curious rather than frustrated. Ask. Then ask again later (or try tomorrow).
2. "She's not the woman I married."
What it really means: "I'm grieving something and I don't know if that's allowed."
This one is said with pain, not criticism. The man who says this usually loves his partner deeply. He's watching her change and he doesn't know where that leaves him. Here's what's worth knowing: she's grieving too. Menopause involves loss - of fertility, of a body and version of herself she knew. When both partners can acknowledge that loss together, something shifts.
She hasn't gone. She's becoming someone new, more real, more authentic, more intuitive. So is the relationship.
3. "I feel like I can't say anything right."
What it really means: "I'm afraid of making things worse so I've started withdrawing and saying nothing at all."
This is one of the most common patterns. A man gets it wrong a few times - says the wrong thing, offers the wrong kind of help and so he withdraws. He thinks silence is safer. It isn't. Silence reads as indifference. And indifference is devastating.
Getting it wrong and staying engaged is always better than by staying safe by saying nothing.
4. "I just want my life back to normal."
What it really means: "I'm exhausted and I don't know how long this lasts."
Menopause is not a brief event. Perimenopause can last years. The transition reshapes a household. Routines change. Her mood and body change. Intimacy changes. Sleep changes. This feeling is legitimate. A man is allowed to find it hard. The risk is when that exhaustion turns into resentment, disconnection or withdrawal rather than honest conversation.
Saying 'I'm finding this hard too' to your partner, not as a complaint, but as a truth, can open a conversation rather than close one.
5. "I don't want to make it about me, but..."
What it really means: "I'm struggling but I feel guilty for admitting it."
This one is quietly heroic. The man who says this is trying. He's putting her first. But in doing so, he's disappeared himself from the picture entirely.
A relationship is two people. A Menopause Wingman looks after himself too. Not instead of her, but alongside her. You cannot show up properly if you're depleted.
You matter in this too.
Menopause Wingman gives you the language and tools to move beyond these patterns.
What it really means: "I'm grieving something and I don't know if that's allowed."
This one is said with pain, not criticism. The man who says this usually loves his partner deeply. He's watching her change and he doesn't know where that leaves him. Here's what's worth knowing: she's grieving too. Menopause involves loss - of fertility, of a body and version of herself she knew. When both partners can acknowledge that loss together, something shifts.
She hasn't gone. She's becoming someone new, more real, more authentic, more intuitive. So is the relationship.
3. "I feel like I can't say anything right."
What it really means: "I'm afraid of making things worse so I've started withdrawing and saying nothing at all."
This is one of the most common patterns. A man gets it wrong a few times - says the wrong thing, offers the wrong kind of help and so he withdraws. He thinks silence is safer. It isn't. Silence reads as indifference. And indifference is devastating.
Getting it wrong and staying engaged is always better than by staying safe by saying nothing.
4. "I just want my life back to normal."
What it really means: "I'm exhausted and I don't know how long this lasts."
Menopause is not a brief event. Perimenopause can last years. The transition reshapes a household. Routines change. Her mood and body change. Intimacy changes. Sleep changes. This feeling is legitimate. A man is allowed to find it hard. The risk is when that exhaustion turns into resentment, disconnection or withdrawal rather than honest conversation.
Saying 'I'm finding this hard too' to your partner, not as a complaint, but as a truth, can open a conversation rather than close one.
5. "I don't want to make it about me, but..."
What it really means: "I'm struggling but I feel guilty for admitting it."
This one is quietly heroic. The man who says this is trying. He's putting her first. But in doing so, he's disappeared himself from the picture entirely.
A relationship is two people. A Menopause Wingman looks after himself too. Not instead of her, but alongside her. You cannot show up properly if you're depleted.
You matter in this too.
Menopause Wingman gives you the language and tools to move beyond these patterns.
Want to go deeper?
“Are You Ready to Be Her Wingman?” is a free 10-page guide drawn from the book.
Five themes, a self-assessment and real quotes from the men.
Download it below, free - no strings attached: